he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
