it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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