My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
