So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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