it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
