It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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