i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
