I smell stomach acid.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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