What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i dont even know how to be here
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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