my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
