think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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