I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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