Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
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