I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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