I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
