You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
