Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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