i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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