i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
