Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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