Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
