i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
