Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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