i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
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