feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
