she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
