she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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