Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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