we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
There's even glitter on my cock...
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