Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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