Yo dont text me then not text me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
