Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
