I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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