you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
