I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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