She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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