the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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