Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
