i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
