Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
