definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
