ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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