i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I fill condoms, not promises.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
