Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
