apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
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