she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
