remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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