i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
