I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
