look no pants
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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