who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
